Wednesday, June 17, 2009

5 Things People Don't Tell You

If you've ever had a sneaking suspicion that there are things people aren't telling you, you're right. The paranoia you feel around a group of strangers is justified. Here are 5 things that I think you should know:

1. You know the Thank You cards that you hate to write? You put them off as long as you can. It's worse than ironing or doing the bills. The guilt you feel for not being a caring thoughtful person seeps into your psyche until finally you get those little suckers out in the mail. The secret is that's how everyone else feels too! It's not just you. Every Thank You card you've ever received preceded along the above path. Most people would sacrifice the present rather than write another obligatory Thank You card. That's why whenever I give a present, I say "... and as part of your present, I'm letting you off the hook for the Thank You card. I insist that you do not send me one." They are forever grateful. For real.

2. If you have to ask someone if the pants make you look fat, they do. Follow your instincts on this one. By the way, it may not be the pants, it might just be your butt. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm only trying to help. Sometimes the truth hurts, but so do tight pants.

3. Everyone is tired. So don't expect any pity from us.

4. When someone says "Well good for you" and their head tilts just a little to the side and their voice sounds sweet like a nurse about to give a shot ... they're really trying to say something else like: "Are you fucking kidding me?" or "You bitch! You get everything I want!" or "You are a complete moron." Just wait until the next person says "Well good for you" and you'll understand what a patronizing passive aggressive slap in the face this really is. So you should just flip them off and walk away and scream "Well good for you too!!!"

5. If you believe you know what your teenager is doing, just you wait until they turn 23 and tell you all the things they got away with. You are not as cool as you think you are.

The aforementioned 5 Things People Don't Tell You is based solely on own my self-centered perspective and wretched experiences. You may see things differently. In any event, I'm still right.


  1. I was amazed that, when I told my Mom all the things I did in high school, she told me she knew about them all at the time.

    She is an evil genius.

  2. I agree with all of the above, especially the thank you cards and #5. I was amazed when I learned what my "really good daughter" was doing too. Well good for you!

  3. 1. I love that. I may start copying you.

    2. A-freakin'-men.

    3. :)

    4. Good for you, is such a patronizing statement. I've never noticed the head tilt. I'll look for it next time.

    5. Fingers in ears! I'm not listening to you. I don't want to go through the teenage years.

  4. After reading this, I hate the people I already hated even more with their phony feckin' "well, good for you" bullshit and their ugly-patterned, late Thank You cards they really didn't want to send me!

    Damn, now I'm tired.

  5. Well I have to admit that about a week ago I was cleaning out a drawer in my house and I found the long list of people who had given Athena a b-day gift. Her b-day was in December and I looked at the list and thought..F*** it and I threw it in the trash. It was the most uplifting experience I have ever had. Of course I will feel guilt later, when I open the mailbox on Monday and receive a thank you note for a present that I gave to someone on Saturday, only 2 days early. Here is one of my favorite sayings...I.H.P it stands for I Hate People!! Thank you for the thank you advice.

  6. Very sound advice. I hated writing the thank you cards - there's only so much you can say - and you know they're going to sit in a drawer for 40 years. I know this because I packed my parents' house after 42 years and there were 42-years' worth of cards kicking around.